On the Outside Looking in

I See No Difference -Leah

The other week I forgot my wallet in Manchester. I had just left for Umass-Amherst  for the weekend with no money, identification or keys to get back into my apartment. Monday came and it was the start of a busy week with professors cramming in exams and assignments before spring break. Chad and I were walking to the parking lot to head off to the dining hall than library when I received a text. It was my dad. He asked me where I was, he had my wallet. I told him just about to head to the library. He planned on surprising me with it, but instead I had the stress of a crazy week riding on my shoulders. I greeted him through the window of a truck, he handed me my wallet and asked if there was anything else I needed, I said no and we sorta left it like that. I felt bad that he had driven 45 minutes for me and in return gets 30 secs of my time. I called him asking if he wanted to grab a bite to eat, he knew I was stressed so he declined. He then texted me, “I love you, I am so proud of you.” I responded,” I love you too, but I haven’t done anything yet.”

I am right when I say that I haven’t done anything yet. My whole entire life I have been the kid on the outside looking in. It’s me I find myself living vicariously other people’s lives. It’s me who is sending my brothers’ and father pep talks before their important games. It’s me who sends them congratulatory texts afterwards on another accomplishment they’ve achieved. I used to do this when I didn’t travel on the road with the UNH team and I do this with my best friends Dylan Clark and Sean Lyons too.  I’m the one who sends my sister the cheerful texts after a break up or a boy problem. I sit and watch, while others perform & if I’m feeling motivated enough I’ll blog about it.

The fact is while this is all true, I’m working towards making some noise of my own. The doctor told my parents when I was born that I wasn’t going to be able to do a list of things. Well doc, I’ve already completed most of them. The most important thing I am doing that was on the list was living. I’m living and living my life to the fullest. I know I won’t be a professional body builder, and I am okay with that. What I’m not okay with is being looked over. If you surpass me I will work hard enough to surpass you. Count me out, I’ll count me in.

I just have to know my role, and create opportunities around it. We were all born to live our own lives, part of my life is to remind you how great yours is. I’ll never put myself down though, because if I show any weaknesses in myself you won’t feel comfortable in placing your trust in me. Today I play cheerleader/motivator to a team that has it all, they just don’t know it. I live most vicariously through them. It’s do or die for them tonight. Quite frankly, if I were them I wouldn’t accept anything but do or die on that ice. It all needs to be left on that ice, or we are going home, and so begins my senior season. I love everyone who is a part of my life. I love my role on this team, and in other people’s lives. I will continue to still play it. I will continue also to make my noise a little louder, because like I told my dad I haven’t done anything yet. It was just nice for a change to hear that someone’s proud of me, even if it’s over nothing.

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